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disintegrating.
my body is very hot. it has been hot since he said the sad-making words. between the sad ones and now he said some promising ones. those ones cannot be good for my heart. my heart is hot. i've been lying in my bed with my coat that smells like him, listening to music we had sex to and worrying i might spontaneously combust. and also throw up. he bought me a coffee drink before he broke up. the coffee drink is all i have to throw up. it is all i have of him, so i don't want to lose it now. he said he needs to grow personally. he said too many nice things and now i am sad and somewhat optimistic that he might someday return to me. but that is not realistic, is it? it took my heart to break for me to realize i don't want to be with a drunk musician or an attractive academic. i just want a dopey boy with the prettiest eyes. i wiped his tears when he cried and wouldn't take me back. my thumbs are his tissues. they are not disposable. i am not disposable. my back feels cold and like it is sweating. at the same time. he hugged me in the station and i gave him a cold goodbye that didn't involve saying "goodbye" at all. while i was waiting for a bus he said in text form "i don't want to lose you." i said, "you couldn't." now i want to tell him "i am the one that lost you."
i gave him the mix cd i made him. i wrote an e.e. cummings poem on the front. it told him that i liked my body when it was with his. i gave it to him and he read it while i was sitting beside him. i feel like he held me tighter when he read it. i'm worried i'm reading too much into this. i'm worried i'm telling the internet all my deepest, saddest secrets in the middle of the night with my coat on backwards and my body half hanging off the bed. i told him i could wait until things are better and he is happier with himself. and i can, i will. i'm still hot, and not from the coat, but i think all this off of my brain will at least let me sleep. after i have a tiny tear-bath. if you read this and don't want to kill me, thank you. if you do want to kill me; you probably should.
3:46 am - March 19, 2010
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