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weather reports.
i am reading a book called Peace From Nervous Suffering. it tells me it can help me recover from my nervous illness. "i really don't feel that sick!" says emma horton. and then she dies. and i cry. every time. but last time it was not really because of her. it was because of me. i've whipped out some dorothy parker because i believe she has things she could tell me. rimbaud too. reading books. drinking coffee. smoking cigarettes with french names. listening to conor oberst again for the first time in who knows how long. my habits never change very much. but i know my disposition is completely turned around from when i was a miserable teenager. i like to feel happy now and that is why i am tripped so many times. i can't help but look up. it can't be so bad a thing. its gotten me this far. and i'm not in so terrible a place. i only cry a little bit. mirah says things that make sense to me and i wish i could write them in a letter and have it read. i haven't been biting my nails. these are all nonsequiturs. or are they? it feels good to write words and to not stop writing them. that is something that can get me in trouble. thank god i can realize that. i miss the nights we would walk around corunna and listen to bright eyes and feel bad about ourselves and love each other. sometimes when i really like something(someone) i think of when emma says "i like that!" with a lot of feeling and a lot of things coming out from her eyes. she isn't a real person at all, but she is my touchstone. i just read a bunch of things i wrote when i was like 17. i am so grateful to myself that i did not stay that same sad, annoying, pathetic person. i am all of these things, but to such a lesser extent. i'm grateful i have had a friend who never disappeared despite how retarded i constantly was. more than one friend, but this one specific one witnessed so much more than the others. i don't even want to acknowledge that i existed before 2008. but that contradicts a million things i've said before. i should be glad i was such a terrible thing and managed to clean myself up a bit. this is that thing where i write too much and end up regretting. i'm sorry.
6:01 pm - March 20, 2010
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