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by blood and by means, i fall when you leave.
i downloaded "possibility" by lykke li last night. i have listened to it 210 times since. i don't give a hot, sweaty fuck that it was a pivotal song in new moon. but i did like that stupid scene, with the window and all. except for the bitch's sleep-shrieking. so maybe i do give a tiny, less mouth-watering fuck.
all i have been doing today is crossword puzzles and thinking about how difficult it is not to say things to d. de-lovely, i should call him. once he told me to call him dank lord skanktopus. once i asked him what he was thinking and he told me "you're really pretty. and i can taste you in my mouth." once he chased after me to the subway to tell me he was sorry for being so awkward, that he is a charlie brown type. once he told me "i don't want to hurt you" and then did so a month later. i wouldn't be so broken up over this if i didn't think we could have had something really beautiful if he'd just give me the chance. if i really am the best girl hes dated, if i really am so beautiful and all that... shouldn't i be worth a second chance? its not even been one week, i'll probably have 3 more of these to wait before he can ever talk to me about where this is going. i need some patience. a hobby. writing is supposed to be my hobby, but it can't save me when all i want to write about is him and how much it hurts to have to wait. i need to remove my eyes from his name on my msn list long enough to draw something, paint something. get a job even. i'm moving in 3 days. tomorrow i shall walk this section of my city until i've seen it all. i will have a nice memory of my last hours. blehhhhh.
i love everyone who reads this. anonymous and known. thank you for putting up with my petty bullshit. i don't know what it is you come here for, but i promise soon enough i will get back to those roots. or something.
4:30 am - March 25, 2010
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