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we can share this hell, emily.
i am feeling nervousness and i know it because half of the skin on my thumb is missing. i am consuming my own flesh. i need a job because i am about to sign something that means i need money at the end of the summer. i'm about to own a room. a room away from home. with no friendly cats and no moms or dads or brothers. i will own half a bathroom also. i will own a window. i don't think i will bring my strokes poster. i will bring my fancy mirror. my curtains will stay. my books will come. i will walk for 16 minutes everyday for school. i am excited, i am scared and i am anxious. i might miss my mother so much that i will cry sometimes. i am not worried because i anticipate it. i need to buy picture frames and print pictures of the things i love and am familiar with. i need to make a list of things to do before i move. diaries are so useful in more ways than one would expect. when i am gone i will probably read this and cry. a month later i will laugh. a year later i will probably do both again. i am currently jittery but also sleepy and bored. i will probably love to know this in a weeks time. to know how i felt at one moment in time. so useful. writing feels easy again and for that i am grateful. reading is easy. math is not easy. being happy is easy sometimes, but staying that way is not. every day my mood jumps by miles every hour. every minute sometimes. its difficult to stay on my own page. its hard to imagine someone understanding my behaviour if even i cannot. but somewhere there is someone who is sure they do. maybe one day i will go to university for creative writing. but another day i might decide it is business i am meant for. there are too many options that everyone is available to. that is why life is such a difficult task most days! how can anyone know anything when i know nothing!? oh well, my hell is a good life none the less.
1:04 pm - June 12, 2009
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